Here are some tips for the do it yourself human who wants to make choices that result in  healthier relationships.

There has been so much discussion and conversation about narcissism, emotional abuse, and respect, fueled in part by our current President, that its been helping people to evaluate the health of their relationships.   As a result, lots of people are making decisions to be healthier in their relationships including no longer making excuses for the abuser and asking themselves why they put up with disrespect. This is causing a big shift and lots of change.    If you are assuming that all narcissistic or emotionally abusive people in relationships are men – check yourself because that is not my experience.

If you are asking yourself this question:  Can I break this cycle of always being attracted to people who treat me badly?  The answer is yes.   Depending upon your circumstances it could require some behavior modification.   Here are the tips I promised:

  1. Make friendships a priority.  Most people I have encountered are not attracted to friends who are abusive or disrespectful.  When it comes to friends, they have a better set of filters for identifying who is safe and who they can count on. While recovering from an abusive relationship, focus on friendships and decide who in your friend circle you can go deeper with to discuss your pattern.  Yes, it is good to discuss your pattern because bringing it out into the sunlight removes the shame and humiliation and provides an opportunity to develop a sense of humor about not being good at everything.  That is what friends and help is for.
  2. Remember that dating is an interview.  Granted, it’s a lot more fun usually and a lot longer but you get my meaning.  The point of dating is to figure out if its a good match and to decide what kind of relationship you might like to have with someone.  Some good things to find out are whether they have long standing friendships which indicates relationship skills and how they talk about people they say they love or have loved.
  3. Involve your friends in the dating process BEFORE you have fallen in love.  Feedback from those who love you and know your pattern is a good thing.  Also, if you are dating someone who is avoiding meeting your friends or keeps making you choose between them or your friends this is something to pay attention to.  Some people are introverts sure AND they can still be supportive of relationships and your needs.  Or maybe they can’t and that is a good thing to notice.
  4. Identify relationships that you admire and maintain relationships with couples.   Many people have a tendency to shy away from couples when they are single.  Try changing your perspective and realize that people who have good relationships may be the friends who are teaching you how to have a different type of relationship next time.  At the very least they may teach you something about yourself and what effort you are willing to make.


Another effective tool is hypno-therapy

I am specifically trained in the Quigley method.  This method of hypno-therapy leaves the ego alert and allows a person to explore their subconscious while remaining aware of, and participating in, the exploration.   It is often possible to negotiate a change in approach by communicating with the parts of the subconscious that have influence over a pattern in life.  It is powerful work that I have enjoyed doing with my clients for years.

An interview with David Quigley:


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